my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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