Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
