The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
