but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
