Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
