i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize