I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
