mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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