On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
