Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
