hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
