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Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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