At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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