there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
