Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
