this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
