I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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