soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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