Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
