I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
