i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
