so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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