Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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