just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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