So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
