And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Holy shit dude........stairs
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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