I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
