I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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