DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
