Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
