So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
