It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
