I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you inspire me to be a worse person
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
