If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
