I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
