you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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