Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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