I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
