i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
