My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
