oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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