Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
