I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize