Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
