google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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