I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
