WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I am available for nakedness
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
