i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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