I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
