true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
They are going to name an STD after you.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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