I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
