Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize