I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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