I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
