I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
