Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
