I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
