It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize