the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
