Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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