I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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