Ambien. No doubt about it.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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